The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
