just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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