I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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