I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
