That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
