need another drink. this is the easiest way
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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