I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
