hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
