Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
