I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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