My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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