I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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