I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize