We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
