3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
