Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
