we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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