I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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