I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
kristin has been a bad kristin
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
