i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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