My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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