There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize
