I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
