dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
