yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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