Your face is a jimmy john
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?