More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
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I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now