I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm bleeding and have questions
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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