I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke