dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
