Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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