Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
