just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
