I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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