my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
