Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
