Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
