i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
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I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
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THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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