This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
