Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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