you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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