Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
