ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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