Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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