She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
