Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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