I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
why is half of my head shaved?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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