You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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