so that wasnt chicken after all
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
