I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Drunk is not a location!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
