When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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