My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
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He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
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I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
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