after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I would ride that face into the sunset
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
