i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All I want is dick and wine.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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