Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
