the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
