i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
