I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
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yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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