When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
