well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
